Waiting in suspense

hmmmmmmmm………

Surprises, yes, i like them very much, they seem like they would be a nice way to show how much someone cares for you. But do they ever happen to me? nope.

But for once i feel like theres a great chance of a surprise happening, even though i’ve definitely caught on.

I found out earlier this week that my aunt is coming into town this weekend, the family connection to my boyfriend Patrick. There was never any planning or thought of him coming along this weekend from him, which surprised me, but knowing on such short notice, i did not bring it up. But a lot of questions Patrick has been asking add up to surprises and this weekend.

“What are you doing this weekend?” 

  “My goal tomorrow is to cheer you up”

“Do you like surprises or knowing everything?”

“What are you doing today?”

“sounds like you’ll be doing about the same as me after you eat”

“I’ll find something fun to do this weekend”

“I’m just gonna do some relaxing and listen to music after school”

And a nap after school? worn out from the day? doesn’t sound like him, sounds like a car ride.

And i get a fortune cookie that says “There’s a good chance of a romantic encounter soon” if that didn’t add to the suspense, over hearing from downstairs my brother saying ‘wat did u think of Brittany’s fortune, mom?’ and her saying ‘i liked it’ that definitely added to it.

I guess my mom decided it was necessary to clean the whole house, and have her friends over here to hang out instead of going out?

My head is spinning, my stomach is fluttering……the suspense is driving me insane, i’m ecstatic yet afraid of the hints meaning nothing. I just want to jump up and down, go scream for my contrasting energies running through my veins. Fast forwarding to knowing would be nice, but life is all about time….which means i’ll just have to wait, to know if i am clever or an idiot…….

…..ps…..this everyday blog thing already failed, bummer………….

 

My Best Friend

I like people that understand me. People that truly know me, through my good and bad times, people who accept my past and know how to make me happy. PEOPLE WHO SEE ME FOR ME.

I guess for the past month, i’ve been trying to avoid drama, sketchiness and the past.  In my mind, it was time for a break, time to basically go with my parent’s decision of what’s best for me, and not see my best friend at all outside of school. It was fine for that month. I’ve had my happiness, she’s had her’s, with our new relationships in the past month. So we’ve just had school.

I’m still fine with not hanging with other people that my parents don’t like, because frankly, i don’t like them much either. But i’ve been avoiding, the drama, the sketchiness and past within one person that i don’t want to avoid, someone who doesn’t deserve that at all, because really? The drama isn’t there, and the past will always be there, and is forever in the far past….and ALL teenagers are sketchy at times.

Out of everyone i know, the two people that understand me the best are, my best friend and my boyfriend. I could talk about anything and both would listen….both would always understand.

As i sat in world lit next to Amy, we talked and talked about Patrick and Evan and our relationships and just simply joked, leaving us both in laughs as our favorite teacher, mr. Sherry, gave us looks. I then thought to myself, could this comfortable conversation happen with any of my other friends? The answer was right there, No.  And then I missed our friendship that was bound to just school lately, the friendship that had moved far away from the drama and the past, it has evolved.

I need that friend that i’ve known to love, forget about all the drama in the past, it’s gone forever. Someone that i can tell how i love my boyfriend, how i miss him, what im thinking, what she’s thinking, my opinions, her’s…..seeing eachother through our day to day expieriences and knowing the other cares….the best friendship i know.

How could i expect anyone to understand? well….i don’t, i don’t expect you to understand how two girls that were once together are now talking about how they don’t see themselves with any girls again and are simply friends now. It’s just the circumstance that no one can explain, I just feel as though we’ve both grown up a lot since this summer…we’ve both found our happiness and I really think it’s time to return to normality within my friendships.

For Fun??

I’m very opinionated…especially about myself and my life, so when i found out about november being ‘write a blog a day’ i just had to consider it. Fun maybe? Every other day instead? I overall figured, i could handle this interesting challenge. Even though, it’s already november 3rd.

Whoever happens to read my blog, i’ve gone through all sorts of emotions and confussion poured out on here. It’s been a place to figure out somethings through words, a new thing i’ve learned over the year. So for the rest of the month i’m going to show you all of the different sides of me, through my thoughts and expieriences…that lately have put me in great moods…..It’s about time some randomness comes up….LET THE FUN BEGIN!

 

Taking Chances Unlike a Pessimist

Why did god create pessimistic people? people who no matter how good your day is, how happy you are, and how much you want to share it, they tell you why you shouldn’t.

It really shouldn’t matter what they think right? It shouldn’t get you down, get you into the stage of over thinking everything….stressing about reality, facts that lead to what could happen in the future. But should I? Should i seriously be all confused from basic comments from the pessimistic friends of mine?

Last time i checked…..they don’t control me, it all comes down to myself and how i play out fate.

What happened to optimism? it seems like it’s disappearing in everyone. What happened to just living? The idea of taking chances, going with what you feel is right? The past or present shouldn’t stop us….yet i feel like it stops alot of people. It’s very depressing….and i refuse to let any of it get inside my head….i refuse to alter my decisions based off of what others think.

So….maybe love hasn’t worked for me in the past, maybe i came across all the wrong asshole guys…..but it has never stopped me from moving ahead….made me think too hard on my next step.

So…..maybe my friends are pessimistic alot of times and they can’t find that happiness within themselves, making me feel guilty….like i shouldn’t feel like i should. But….that’s their problem….i’m fucking happy….i spent a whole year not being truly happy….it’s time for me to live….its time for me to move forward…and they need to understand it….because it’s only their problem, they won’t bring me down anymore.

So….maybe the fact that long distance relationships at my age don’t usually work, that it will most likely cause me only pain in the long run. The fact is….i’m not going to let the facts of ‘usually’ stop me, because i’m not going to regret not trying….life is about taking chances.

I can’t control how the guy that is proving every day to me since the moment i met him that there are guys that are different that look at life in the optimistic way i do. I can’t control how he’s 6 hours away. Hence the term long distance.

If i was pessimistic….my whole concept on life would be completely different. I believe in the love within ourselves is what gets us far and that alone takes in several different directions. Love is something that we can’t hold back on, starting with ourselves and eventually making its way to another person….being everything to them as they are to you….it’s something thats has bumps and curves along the way….it’s not perfect and is meant to beautiful and patience is needed. You can’t go looking for it…i believe that fate takes it’s course with love.

With life we have to take chances to survive. We wander, find, explore, smile, jump, swirl, dance, fall, cry all to the beat of life…it’s called living. Without it we’d be nothing, we’d feel nothing, never see the world as it truly is. So it’s expected ill fall, we all fall, we all cry….but it’s not going to stop me from moving forward no matter what the future may contain….why be afraid? We have to stand tall and go with everything we are. Life isn’t meant to just stand back and ignore what feels right…life is meant to be embraced.

Ya, sure i’m probably a dumb teenager just falling for a guy….you could think, they may think….but i don’t give a shit what others think anymore…i’m so done with that, after everything i’ve thought and gone through….why wouldn’t i go for happiness? Sure in the past i was ignorant…but through that i’ve learned….i gotta go with how i feel….wherever it may take me….i have to soar until i fall…if i fall, who knows! i won’t know until i try….so I’m going to live in a way that an optimist would.

Trust Within the Future

“HOW did you not find my social security card? do you understand that i need it, that my job orientation is in an hour, that your making me look extremely irresponsible!?!?!”

SLAP! “WEll i have your social security card, but it has the name shoe on it instead of your actual name, because when i was 18 you weren’t born with the same name, dad is trying to figure it out now, but it’s more of a complicated situation then we thought, and we need to go to court, because the court no longer sees you as a minor, and i would’ve told you like an adult at home if you wouldn’t have completely freaked out!”

Well then, doesn’t that make me feel stupid? ALL day i had been frustrated and stressed out about how my mom “hadn’t found my social security card” in my attempt to be responsible with my first job.  AND now, i felt like it was all pointless…..like if i would’ve known, it could have been less of a freak out for me, i would have been less nervous about the whole situation if i wasn’t so ignorant on the situation. So yes, i understand the predicament, but it did upset me that my parents couldn’t just come out and tell me that they needed to change my name on it, that they needed to figure some things out and they weren’t sure how long it would take. Instead of me thinking that it was lost, that my parents were being irresponsible with something that to me seemed important, something that i need to work, any citizen needs to work….the lies just caused problems.

LIES….are never good…. i mean, after i know the truth about my real father, you’d think that my parents would be more open about the truth to me, especially something like this, that is very understandable, atleast in my eyes…yet they couldn’t tell me right away? just because they thought it would be easy to get sorted out, so they weren’t going to tell me, if they didn’t have to? Is that really fair? Do they honestly think I’d be pissed or something if i knew right away and it was easy to sort out? That’s why it didn’t really cross my mind that that could be the issue for the social security card, because i trusted that if it was the case they would’ve told me, because it has crossed my mind, thanks to my friend Amanda who had this whole conclusion why i haven’t gotten my license….she was right. So it caused me to come to the conclusion that my parents were not taking this as a big deal. YES! I am coming to the conclusion that lack of communication between the parents and child causes arguments and frustration on both sides…..its not just the children, no matter how much parents want to deny it it’s the parents too….because honestly, i can handle the truth real well….i have for quite sometime now.

So when my mom says that trust is something that we need to work on, I’m completely on board, I’m completely fine with being trustworthy to my parents, even if it takes time to earn that, I’m not scared. I don’t care if that makes me sound like the good daughter act to all my friends that always say “why do u have to tell them everything?” because honestly, it’s better that way, and I’m not afraid to be myself anymore around my parents, I’m not hiding anything…..so why does it matter? I like having a good relationship with my parents, I just hope that I trust them with telling me the honest truth for now on, because i can’t handle lies, lies that make me frustrated just to find out later that i shouldn’t have been. So, my goal for now on, is to really be close with both my parents full of trust, what I’ve wanted for a long time…..i mean the past is the past, and the future is what matters. PLUS……the love between parents and their children is way more important than waiting around for another guy.

I’ve learned a lot through all of my expieriences, I still have lots to learn, but i have way more knowledge than i even had a few months ago….things are looking brighter, things are making sense and the past is long gone….so why worry? Why cry and feel sorry for yourself? Everything will be ok, everything will work out with several open doors full of opportunities waiting for me!

What Everyone Wants

ALONE…..that’s what everyone wants….to look up at those stars alone searching for her next shooting star while thinking about him. That’s what everyone wants. Everyone wants to think about someone that they’ll never have. Everyone wants to feel as if they are so close and then all of a sudden forgotten. Everyone wants to feel like they aren’t enough, to even talk to. They all want to feel like they are a push, or too much, too deep, too obsessive or obnoxious, too impatient, too hopeful, too optimistic. Everyone wants to get to that point where they’ve became pessimistic about love, where even the slightest hope, your telling yourself inside not to, because it’s not going to be what you’d  hope it to be. Everyone wants to wish for a night back that will never happen again. The idea of not knowing what was true and what wasn’t. To not have the slightest clue on someones emotions, like you did that night. Yes everyone wants to think about someone and feel immediately happy with their heart racing, followed by an immediate drop because of the true reality….that he most likely isn’t thinking about you. Everyone wants to feel loved and then abandoned.

Ya…….Everyone wants that shit…..

Where you think, what is the real point? I seem to get my hopes up every-time a guy surprises me. Every time a guy shows me  a little bit of emotion, attractive nice guys!  And every time something goes wrong…..even as just friends. No want to talk to me much…..because somehow i seem to freak them out, I’m just too much. Leaving me all alone in the romance wanting to cry because I’m always so close….but never enough.

I could simply say fuck guys…..live life! The love will come eventually……. i mean i strive to be like that…..but every time it gets to me….sparks a memory, a face, an emotion…..and somehow it gets to me easier each time…..how pathetic.

New Beginnings

The sweetest guy i’ve ever met….yes i already mentioned him. But who knew that as i remembered that night, i realized this more, i realized how great that night was.

I thought after that night that i had everything figured out. Oh, i thought that a kiss could explain everything. I thought that the good kisser amy was the one i loved…..but honestly, a kiss doesn’t mean everything, that doesn’t determine how i’m attracted to people at all.

When my mom told me how there was a guy that was looking for me because he had the hots for me, yes, it made me happy….and I couldn’t help but search as I danced for a guy to be there that was my age, and then he was there, and it only made me happier….i was attracted to him from the moment i set my eyes on him. That doesn’t happen with girls ever.

I’m never able to remember compliments from amy, they never make me giddy, they never make me think, wow….it never flatters me really…..i’ve always taken it not so seriously, I’ve taken it as a friend compliment….a comment that i can easily deny in my head. So what does that mean? That maybe the outer exterior of the whole thing has more of an inner exterior…..part two to what i think of the story.

I’ve never been able to say with amy that there were specific things that i loved about her when i was with her, never things that made me feel so great when i was with her as well. Never the type of feeling of a relationship, not the in love feeling. And i’ve known her for a long time…..so she’s never been a new concept. It’s a basic sense of being close and feeling comfortable with eachother.

New people, they aren’t always my specialty, when I’m all by myself, with a gorgeous guy near by, I feel paranoid that they’ll be like all the other guys, that they’ll get freaked out by me, that ill come on too strong, or not enough, or they want more than i want….all these things scare me, I have really no experience with guys at all either…..so my confidence is usually not real strong. But, i was myself…..which is sometimes a hard thing for people to grasp, i’m complex….I have my opinions, my past, my future, my interests and so on. Only a few close friends understand and like my complete self, And i don’t give guys the opportunity to see that from the very beginning right away. But I did, i told him about my past, what i think, what i want to be, who i am, everything important…..and he was understanding and was not at all freaked out….and i loved that, i loved that i could be myself, that alone makes me giddy, and that may be weird, but it meant alot. The coolest sweetest cutest guy….understood me, thought i was down to earth. It meant more than it ever has to have amy accept me.

So after a night to change me to another….Monday night, late that night, i had some things figured out…..that i wasn’t attracted towards amy as i thought, i would never be in love with her. I would never be attracted to a woman and be completely giddy like i will be to men. I will never take sex seriously with girls like i do with men…..i will never feel like it’s completely right with a woman……because truth be told, i’m a  bi-curious little fellow…..too bad it took me this long to figure that out.

So by Wednesday…..i told her the truth, and truth be told she wasn’t surprized by my hot and cold behavior, as it has been for a whole year. My confusion between guys and her. My earge to leave her for a guy subconsciously….how is that fair to her?  We both were in need for a new beginning, of us finally being able to just be friends. So i don’t plan on kissing her again, and i don’t plan on ever breaking her heart again.

And once again, that Saturday is a night to remember…..now for how it enlightened me of my sexuality from a sweet guy. By the way, those sweet words of his keep on repeating in my head…..it drives me nuts, for the soul purpose that i will never get the chance to be with him, give his kissing a second chance, hear that sweet voice of his, give him a hug that feels so right and be my complete self.

So though the new beginning is off ahead of me now, i do have to say i’m deeply scared. I did find out this summer that there are guys that think i’m beautiful out there…even sweet ones, but how am i to know if they’re any actually near me? and how am i to know if joe really meant those words of his when he had a few beers in him? All i know is he did say to be careful about going after guys since most guys don’t care about girl’s feelings and only how far they can get, which made me happy…..but i still can’t have him, either way. So i have to get over my paranoia and fears…..and get out there….with my new beginning.

Under the Stars

Why oh why oh why???? DO I not even understand myself!!!

I can go for a kiss with amy anytime, make the first move…..and it can feel so amazing, the butterflies in the stomach, and never wanting to stop. I really think i take that for granite.

For the simple fact that i don’t want to love a girl…..but i realized something this weekend, i can’t help that, and my feelings for amy are real.

And it all starts off at a wedding, when i wanted to so badly be straight, and all of a sudden there was this guy, Joe, who was VERY attractive in my eyes introducing himself to me. Now i thought there was no one my age that was going to be there, i was wrong. And i was happy at that moment that he was there, and maybe alittle excited.

Now looking back, I had a great time with him, i was my true self around him, and he was amazed by it. In my eyes, he seemed like he would have been the perfect boyfriend for myself if he lived near me.

As we went down to the pier and looked at the stars, he pointed out the little dipper to me. We looked hard for the big dipper, and though it wasn’t accomplished, i saw a shooting star…and automatically i made a wish. He thought i was beautiful he said it several times, and was happy that my brother was not my boyfriend.  Since he told me he loves music, we listened to some music, some good songs that i don’t remember the names at all, too much was going through my head for me to remember, and im sure that i was talking since that’s how i am.

We were down on that pier a long time, as i found out alittle about him, like how he wants to be an astronomer, plays volleyball, is a pot head and so on….along with him finding out a bunch about me. “you wanna know a secret” i asked him, he said sure, “I don’t have a boyfriend but technically i’m not single” yup, thats right, i told him about amy. I told him about how i’ve gone as far as i can go with a girl with her, and my contemplations between guys and girls, my want of a beautiful wedding like the one we were at. He seemed to listen and understand. “you wanna know a secret” he asked, i said yes, “I think thats kinda sexy” he said along those lines. He asked me about the difference between girls and guys and picked me up at one point saying, i bet your girlfriend can’t do this, and i said, well for like two seconds. Another time i had my hands at his waist, he put them by his chest, saying girls don’t have this, showing off his muscular body, my response was, ya but they have boobs. Our conversations were all very friendly and flirty looking back at it.

But honestly, all that was on my mind was how horrible of a kisser he was. As he kissed me the first time, and my wish upon a shooting star came true, it was basically him with his mouth open moving around his tongue with the taste of beer upon his mouth ending with him saying ‘damn girl’. And with everything great about him, i was expecting something more, like sparks as i do with amy…..so then i just felt guilty about amy. Thats the main reason i told him about her, but somehow the kissing never stopped….because i did want sparks with him.

“What’s better about girls than guys?” he asked, “girls are better kissers than guys,” that was my polite way of saying how  he wasn’t that good. “how so?”…..”well they close their mouths alittle more” so then he tried, it was slightly better, but still not the same. He at one point showed how i kiss….in fourths rotation or something that he said, i wished he could kiss like i did then. Though i have to admit, him biting my lip at one point, thats hot.

I told him how most of the guys i meet are perverts, and i don’t want to date someone like that, i want to have sex when i am completely in love, and all the guys that aren’t live far away.   He respected that, even though he has had sex. “see, i respect women, if they want to wait, that’s awesome, because even though i think of sex like every guy, it’s not always about that, like alot of girls would be on their knees by now.” he said, i thought at that point that he was the sweetest guy i have ever met in my life. “Why can’t more guys be like you,” i said.

He called me the most beautiful, down to earth girl he has ever met, and he would have asked me out if i lived by him, and that whatever man gets me someday is a very lucky man. He made me smile alot.

He said my name in a way no one else has, and theres part of me that never wants to forget how he said it. “I will never forget this night” he said.

Yet, all i could think about was how i felt nothing when he kissed me, i had no want to kiss him, it really ruined the perfectness. And all that day i wanted to be straight, and he brought me down to reality…..that thats not the case. And since that night, it’s all i can think about, how sweet he was….and yet i felt nothing…..i wanted there to be something. So what does that mean??? I’m more confused on my sexuality than ever….and i just keep on thinking, maybe he was just a bad kisser because he was drinking….but i really don’t think so.

All i know is i had a great time talking to him….and i’m forgetting about how he was a bad kisser, because i most likely will never see him again, and that night really made me think about things…and i probably will never forget that night, but for different reasons than him.

SO i’m to the point, where i atleast know i am for sure a bisexual….but i’m still not into labels.

But this has made me frustrated and confused beyond belief….i guess thats what i get for kissing a guy while i have a girlfriend…..

And i do love Amy more than words can say….and that night, despite my want to feel something towards joe, it really made me see that clearly.

As My World Crashes

My life is moving in twenty different directions.

I’m up and i’m down constantly.

I’m pretty much just an emotional wreck as my life crumbles all around me.

since i honestly can’t figure out what is right and what is wrong, where i should honestly go.

FROM….Family………….Friends…………..and Love.             

BLAH!!!!!

FAMILY

               Lets start off with the most complicated story that I will ever tell you on here……..

It starts all the way back a year ago, but honestly it started way before that, my mother deciding to not talk to her mother and her sisters was based off of several leading up situations that she could not take anymore.  I understand and completely respect her decision. It would take forever to explain all of the reasons and stories that my mom has told me that i don’t believe to be lies at all. It’s obvious that my grandparents got a divorce when my mom was only three, and she did not have a father in her life. She’s told me stories about how my grandma always blamed my mom for being the reason her parents got divorced, she was supposed to be a boy and that was the reason why things had gotten better. My grandma had a drinking problem as well, which with that information it shouldn’t surprise anyone that my mom was kind of fucked up and a total rebel as a child. But what threw my mom over the line, was my grandma’s jealousy, by my mom’s closeness with her inlaws, and the fact that she never liked my dad, and honestly, never was a huge fan of my brother zach either, saying how he was just like his father. And it was obvious that  tony was her favorite out of the three of us. so since then we’ve recieved hateful cards for holidays and birthdays giving us the guilt trips and then emails. I kept in contact with my aunt jenny, since i never had anything against her, she’s my god mother, and was the only one that didn’t give me a guilt trip, she was very understanding. I respected my mom’s decision, and honestly, i don’t miss her side of the family that much, they are very negative, it’s quite clear, my dad’s side is completely positive and really know how to live life, which i believe is what my parents try to encourage, they don’t want us to be afraid of living, to always stick your head up high and never give up, which sometimes seemed to be the opposite of my mom’s side of the family.

Getting on to my story. About two weeks ago, i was talking with my friend, where i found out about a very interesting email, which seemed pretty accurate but false, in my opinion, it was possible, but couldn’t be true. The email was sent WAY back in october, and the truth was that kayla and her mom decided it would be best not to tell me about it, until it came out by accident. The eamil was from a man, a man who was about 4 years older than me. He talked about how my mom and his dad were together at one point, and he remembers me being born, he found me by looking up my mom, which even said my mother’s maiden name and he found how she married my father, and it stated his name and then it showed their children, such as myself with my name. He then typed in my name where he found my myspace, I was in the right location, the right age and since mahlberg isn’t a common name, it only made sense. He found my friend and wanted to know if i was doing ok, since he thinks that i might be his little sister…half sister?  He stated how he was young and he could be wrong about us actually being related, and he figured i didn’t know since i grew up with the same last name as the man my mom married. He didn’t want my friend to tell me right away, since that would be an obvious shocker to find out how the man that you thought was your father really isn’t. He wanted to meet me too if it was ok with my parents. I found it extremely creey, though very much accurate. I thought about how it could be true, but still most likely not, i’ve been told how i look like my dad and my brothers. So i stopped thinking about it and moved on.

But then tonite happens. I get home from cheer camp pretty much exhausted, later i hang out with my friends where all the drama begins again, then i come home ready to see what my art teacher sent back about art galleries and assignments and such, but i had two emails that just sent me in a tissy. In my opinion they were bitchy, and they were from my two aunts. They both discussed how my grandma is not doing well and that it’s all my mom’s fault and how horrible she is and how much she’s been lying to me. I thought this was all done with, that they would leave me alone by now, but yes….my drama from friends to this….that pretty much woke me up from exhaustion. Now if it was simply just ‘your mom is horrible, she’s lied about grandma’ i would not be sooo much in a tissy. THIS was directed straight to me. She has been lying to YOU, they said, you still haven’t heard about the BIGGEST lie. My aunt Jenny was the clearest on getting across this whole idea. As she said:

Someday I hope you understand that the only reason your mother is not talking to grandma is because grandma was sticking up for you, and your mother didn’t like to hear grandma tell her that she should tll you the truth and treat you the same way she treats your brothers.

 Someday you will know the truth about your mother and kevin and we will all be there for you, just like we were when your mother could barely take care of you when you came into this world.

 Life is short and grandma might not be here for long, don’t make the same mistakes your mother did. You are old enough and should know the truth, of what your life was really like when you came into this world and who was there for you and who has always been there for you, grandma loved you very much and still does.

It makes the whole email sound as if it was true, the more i read it the more it makes sense! How she never referred to my dad as my dad, but as Kevin, and yet my mom was never Maggie.  My head runs in circles around the idea, but honestly i just want to know the honest truth. If my dad isn’t my real dad, he’s still my dad in my heart, he raised me. My mom has her reasons for keeping things from me and i wouldn’t be mad in the slightest way. So it’s obviously time for a talk with my mom. I just am iritated on my aunts and their whole playing out how horrible my mom is and how she’s lying to me, if they know me at all, that wouldn’t pull us apart. But it’s alot of drama and things to think about for my exhausted mind.

FRIENDS

(sorry, this shall be a really long blog…yikes)

Love is complicated and it’s all teenagers usually are looking for. So my best friend Amy, of course she was dating Anthony for almost 9 months. But things got complicated that night that she anounced to me she was still in love me. it was the true test of whether i was truly over her or not, but thinking so much of the past, i couldn’t resist but say i still had some feelings for her too, Anthony was the obvious issue for my most likely lesbian friend. That never stopped us to tell the truth, every sleep over, some kisses were had,  i never could resist, yet i always figured it was just friends fooling around…till that moment. Where we then went on to Mount olympus together, where i felt as though i could have been with her forever, it never had to end, holding her hand, smiling at her and looking in her eyes as she looked back at me and smiled, kissing in public away from my family. Being in the Hotel room alone and saying that we should go back down for 10 minutes, because neither one of us could stop kissing eachother, it was perfect, other than for the fact that we couldn’t go all the way, but it was the most sentimental moment i’ve ever had with someone. Thats when i thought that i still had feelings for her, THEN the break up happened with her and Anthony.

So, my Frieand Amanda likes Anthony Alot, she always expected rejection from him because of Amy and always expected Amy to be mad, and she didn’t want to ruin a friendship. But she got up the guts to atleast tell him last week after hearing about Mount Olympus.  Amy wanted to break up with him for me. Though Anthony ended up liking Amanda as well, and took it too far with planning to most likely cheat. And it all happened on my cell phone, of course. So i tell amy about how amanda finally told him, and how he likes her too….i thought things would be sooo much easier, i was wrong.  Anthony lied about everything, said he was drunk, that he was planning anything, even after amy read the texts….so long story short, the relationship ended before i had a chance to blink. It all went fast. Anthony stopped talking to both of them for a few days, then he slowly began, as Amanda and him began hanging out, or as they call it ‘dating’. And honestly that’s not smart with anthony’s past and the already repeats of what happened with him and amy coming through into Amanda and him. Him and weed and drinking…..i disapprove of completely, and it’s what bothers me the most, and as Amy is upset and comng to me for comfort, which feels so wrong, i’m also extremely worried about Amanda getting hurt, who is quite innocent when it comes to guys unfortunately. And somehow i’m stuck in the middle helping both of them, hearing the bitching, and comforting them and supporting, and yes it’s stressful….WAS stressful till family shit kicked in. The confusion of Love that comes in just a small group of friends, And Anthony just keeps pissing me off more and more, and something bad will happen if he hurts amanda, because she deserves WAY better.

LOVE

It seems like who i love and who loves me is always alittle messed up, do you care if i explain???????

Let’s start out simple….. 

the one who’s too far away………JON

He was so perfect and fun, he may be a year younger than me, but  that doesn’t bother me. I couldn’t resist flirting with him. I joined the table starting by helping his cousin play texas holdem and before i knew it i was playing, and we played for literally two hours with lovely flirting, my friend just gave me looks, yet i wouldn’t stop, i liked him a lot. We went back and forth between who was kicking who’s ass. After that, it was just random pokes and smiles and talking, i had the most amazing time with the guy who lives an hour away with neither one of us having a liscense to get together. And may i tell you he’s a jock too! But it would never happen which makes the whole thing suck.

Theres also the pervert guy who won’t give up…….. Jake

So Jake was in my photography class, he had a girlfriend, he was nice, never thought much more of him. It wasn’t until I went to summerfest. Me and amy ended up hanging out with him, and we honestly didn’t know him that well….and in the process we pissed off all of our friends. I was as quite as can be for myself as we walked around the grounds with him being in the middle with us ladies on the side, before i knew it i was kissing him though, and slight making out, which surprised me, since i wasn’t myself, and i hardly knew this guy. BUT i seem to be a tease. since then i’ve had the constant txt messages of him trying everything to get me. But i won’t let him, since i know the truth, of how he’s a perverted guy that will do anything, and who is also going into the army, so what’s even the point? Summerfest was horrible because of him, i pissed off all my friends, we missed half of the red jumpsuit apparatus, and i missed out on seeing Jon at my friend’s last minute birthday party because i had plans to go to summerfest.

The Obvious……AMY

I still can’t make up my mind about amy, especially with all this drama and the shock of the break up. In my eyes, so much has happened in just nine months, and it’s hard to picture her single, to picture us having the same feelings as we once did, it’s going to be way different than it was last summer. I know that she’s my best friend, but i can’t figure out with all my might what the feeling actually is that i have for her. After last wednesday, things just didn’t feel right, but mount olympus felt so right, which makes it hard. So i may try a date or two, but even if i have feelings do i really want that? I do want to put myself alittle more out there, date other people. I can’t keep on going back to the same person just because im comfortable with her and know her so well, because that’s not exactly love. I’m not sure if i want a secret relationship at this point either, there’s too much drama, and the lying to my parents and sneaking around in my opinion isn’t romantic, its me being paranoid….which is probably why i loved Mount Olympus, because i didn’t really worry. SO……I’m really unsure about how i really feel towards her, and she’s the only one that if i do have feelings for her, id actually be able to have a relationship with.

The impossibe….everything i want but can’t have……Hannah

I may be completely loosing my mind, but from the moment i saw her try out for cheerleading, i couldn’t resist liking her. Yet, i thought that was over, i had convinced myself to stop, she’s a freshman i’m a senior, that’s 14 and 17…..that’s almost me being a pedafile. But then cheer camp happened, and by the end of the second day, i couldn’t resist the thought of kissing her. If you know me, i’m an eye person….and she has the most amazing eyes, yellowish greenish with a slight brown tint….BEAUTIFUL. she looks so cute as a slightly slim curvyish body with her cute curly short brown hair, and did i mention her amazing outgoing personality and the way she can dance! I found that she’s in orchestra and great at art…..could it get better? she looks amazingly cute with straight hair too! so throughout the week, i definitely befriended her, which would most likely not get me anywhere, even if she mentions how she’s surprised how not more guys and lesbians are in cheerleading, that doesn’t mean anything…..even if age wasn’t a factor, she’s still straight, which makes it all the more depressing…..because i have a BAD crush on her, and all i want to do is make a move….but because of my respect towards my team, and i don’t want to make things awkward with anyone…..i won’t……..and it hurts so bad, to know that i can’t even try.

SOOO…..i have all these options of relationships that mostly wouldn’t work in the first place….and they all have their downers…..i’ve never had a problem like this…..i’m picky and this just builds up tension inside me….as i just want to cry…..i can’t figure anything out, so maybe i should just step back? BUT yet i don’t know if i can or know how……

Fucking love……make up your mind….or im done trying!

AS you can see my life is a complete mess.

ALL these obsticals at once, and no way to work around them

I just need to work through them?

AS my emotions keep riding this rollercoaster,

and all i want to do is cry, though no tears ever come out.

So i just have to stay strong.

In a matter of a time, i can only hope the drama will go away.

(side note: i’m ruining my total of tags being 69 tonite….which totally sucks)

 

I don’t Want False Labeling

“To be loved, what more could you ask for?” -THE ACADEMY IS… “About a girl”

It is so true….everyone wants to be loved…everyone wants that special feeling with another person, where it seems like nothing else in the world could possibly matter other than the two of them, when they put their whole life in the hands of someone else because they trust and love them just that much. Everyone wants that, everyone longs for it. It’s society, it’s human life…the want for love surrounds us everyday. The songs you listen to, the TV and movies you watch, it all just makes you long for it even more. It’s the one thing that we all want, sooner or later, the reason it surrounds us constantly.

When your lonely and wanting this but there is noway to get to it….how can ones surroundings help? When you’re frustrated with love and yourself and who you are when it comes to love, how can society possibly help you? Almost always does our society relate it back to love, reminding you of what you’ve had, what you don’t have, what you want, what you need, and what you don’t understand. It traps you. It tortures you. It could drive you insane. The answers seem as though they could never become clear, and as if what you want could never be found.

When it comes to society…labels seem to be necessary….so they can judge you, they can look at you differently and think that they know you….but is that really fair? WHO THE HELL WOULD WANT THAT? Society pressures you….if you dated a girl does that mean you’re a lesbian or even a bi-sexual….not necessarily…but society seems to think so….instead of just waiting to figure it out…living life and not using labels….it seems as if it should be necessary. They think that they should automatically label you as something that isn’t necessarily you.

I don’t want false labeling, but it does frustrate me that i feel like i should….that i should figure it out right now, even though that is almost impossible. How can i label myself something with only a tiny bit of experience? I can’t. As much as i analyse the past and hear all these opinions from people about me, I can’t. So why flip flop telling people what you are? Why say on facebook or myspace what gender/s I’m interested in? It really shouldn’t matter. So I’ll leave it blank….because who I AM is ALL that matters not who i end up dating in the future or even my past for that matter.

We all grow and live in life. I could sit here and wait and be frustrated and confused about love….or i could just LIVE! I listen to the up beat music on my ipod…and then i listen to the sad slow motion kind of music and I think…what would i prefer? I prefer Up beat go with the flow kind of mood in life…we only live once right? I like living by the saying don’t search for love let love come to you, and the idea of being free. I hate living trapped within my mind. I want to just be myself….and myself doesn’t include labels….I’m not a bi-sexual, I’m not straight and I’m not a lesbian. Just know me as I am. I’ll fall in love again someday and it may with a guy or a girl it doesn’t matter!

All i know, is that it’s more important for me to be happy with my life, than be frustrated with my life.

Love will come when it comes…..

and I don’t even care if I’m picky or a tease or anything else that may be said……It doesn’t matter.

It’s me…..and “This is not your song”.