The Whole of a Great Day and a Great Future

Just a possible thought…..

Can parents say certain things just to get in their child’s head to do good, scare them. Taking away an event because of a supposedly ’cause’ for a past behavior…just to give it back after a long lecture and fight, after everything has cooled down and words have been processed? Though i don’t believe that i would’ve done anything wrong either way, i notice my parents use this technique a lot with me, at least my mother does, whether this is subconsciously or consciously planned, maybe the trust is there, but by making it seem like it isn’t, holds the want for that trust more, holds that want to behave more, though i don’t necessarily believe in my mom’s criticism and judgement on my past….i do respect her as a parent and as a person, because she has raised three respectable people ( i think) she has a close relationship with all three, and she continues to strive for that, but still disciplines, knows when to give in and when not, and usually i know when not to test her, when to just step back and when talking is possible. I’m just always curious on how many situations she thinks out first, plans it when it comes to parenting, or if it’s always spontaneous, not knowing if she’ll change her mind, maybe it’s in the power of the child of how she parents, how she changes her mind and views each of us, or maybe she knows us so well to know how to get into our heads….maybe both im thinking….it’s just interesting. I think being a parent is one of the toughest job most honorable job a person can possibly have, there’s no one right or wrong way to do it either, just difference of opinion, it’s a natural job, one that is seen across the world….to create and care so much about someone, teaching them and guiding them as you see them grow through life….it’s fascinating. And honestly, it’s one of those things that i’ve never thought about much, it’s one of those things that as a teenager you don’t think about, but no matter when me and my mother aren’t pleased with each other, i respect her so much, and i value the relationship i have with her the most, because it’s one that should last from the time i’ve entered this world till it becomes time when one of us unfortunately passes. It’s the relationship that completes me, because we will always be there for each other, i know my mom would never not be there for me.

Today was a great day. I, myself am a cheerleader and it was regionals, getting up at 5, going all morning, warming up, bonding with the team, and then performing the routine, waiting till results. It’s what we call regionals. We kept getting all prepared, think state girls, play offense today, we’re gonna rock it, we can stick it, take it to the limit, show them that we got this! AND GUESS WHAT?!?!?! we went out there and we did exactly that! As the music started we danced our asses off with our tight motions and energetic faces, stuck all the stunts, jumped high, and honestly i didn’t breathe, but totally had fun and rocked it…we played offense. But, there are really good teams, did we still have a chance for state, it’s oconomowoc, as much as i wanted to say yes, i thought no….but we had to wait. As we sat waiting and waiting for our small varsity division to list off the top three teams that were going to state we heard Waukesha south (who apparently did good)…our hearts dropped, no chance now right? “and 2nd place going to state….” we held hands in a circle with the mixed emotions, adrenaline pumping through us “Ocononomowoc!” OH MY GOD…..STATE!!!! What i wasn’t expecting happened…and my mom and grandma were there to see it all….we screamed so loud, i went from tiredness to completely awake, half of my squad was crying we were so excited…..it was the best feeling in the world, we made it this far, we worked this hard, and it was pulling off! we were going to state, our school that doesn’t take cheerleading seriously, their cheerleaders were going to state! We’re proving that poms isn’t where it’s always at, that cheerleaders are just as good, maybe even better, that we are in a sport.

My day  continued to get better with actually getting to hang out with my friends, despite my mom saying no yesterday, playing games and talking as we do, way better than going to the school dance.

I needed this day, i needed some excitement, some pure happiness, an achievement, a feeling so great, and i got that today, i honestly don’t think anyone could bring me down today. Life is good, and i continue for it to be so, i’m motivated happy and ready for the future, optimism is always a good thing, and feels great!

You Won’t Ever Give Me the Chance….

I need to vent……

Why do mother’s never understand? I try to be honest, show her that i’ve learned from my past, i’ve changed in a good way, but she doesn’t, she refuses to move on, even when i think she has moved on and trusts me, she doesn’t, in all reality, i doubt she ever will, she always reminds me of it, she makes me feel guilty about the past that i can’t control, what people say that i can’t control….no one is perfect, and judgement about something from the past, judgement in general isn’t fair.

I understand that she cares….but when one minute she’s ok with my life and the next she isn’t, it takes me off guard, it confuses me and frustrates me. Because a week ago i felt like me and my mom were moving towards a close relationship, she seemed ok with my past and my future, but she’s not….and i can’t prove to her anymore than my words that there’s never gonna be anymore lesbian action or sex at any of these ge- togethers with my friends, but she doesn’t listen, doesn’t care, she’s stubborn and makes me  think that she thinks i’ve done the worst thing in the world, had a relationship with a girl, and even worse, had sex with a girl, and that i am still friends with her, doesn’t matter that both of us are straight, that she has a boyfriend and i’ve had a boyfriend…..she’ll always hold it against me and my close friends.

I refuse to be anti-social, i refuse to put up with judgement of the past that i can’t control, i refuse for people to tell me what i should and shouldn’t do….i have morals of my own, and i think they are pretty damn good at the moment. I refuse to put up with judgment, and i will defend myself and confront people who bother me. I’m not about to stop being friends with people or stop hanging out with them just because my mom has a problem with my past with my friends and how she feels people don’t change, i’m friends with them because we’ve grown together, we understand each other and are always there for each other, we know how to joke appropriately and have fun, talk about our lives, and are even content with being around each other in silence, without them i’d have nothing but art to reflect on my life, express myself and live….because obviously my family doesn’t want to understand me, obviously they won’t give me the chance, they won’t give me the chance to sit down and talk like an adult with them without being treated like a child, and be able to tell them about my life, my frustrations, what i want, like a driver’s license, to be able to know that i can go to them, that they will always trust what i say, but because of my past and they focus on the boy’s sports more than my life, i never get the chance, and they just assume that i’m this bad seed, that whatever i do is going to bad when im single, that i can’t make good decisions on my own, did you ever think that i made good decisions? that me and my friends don’t drink or do drugs at parties, that the only thing that has ever happened which was only sophomore and junior year was girls kissing….oh yes, so much worse right? no, im a good student with strong goals, am happy most of the times, care about who i am, what i am, how i perceive the world and my beliefs, my body my soul….i’m me,  and i carry the past with me, and i don’t regret, i can’t regret, because ill always see the world differently than you, i experienced, and made mistakes, learned about my sexuality and am truly accepting of everyone because of that, i don’t think thats wrong, and if i did that would be terrible and hypocritical, i see judgement and homophobes, and i never want to be like that, a person is who they are, and i respect any gay/lesbian/bi-sexual/transgender/transsexual person for what they have to go through for being different, i am certainly not anywhere near liking a girl, i don’t think i ever will….but i’m not going to be like society and think it’s bad, or that i need to be something i’m not, make friends with people i don’t like….people are who they are, we experience life, we live it, we perceive it, we grow, it’s what makes us so unique from the rest of the animal kingdom…..and too many times people take it for granite, we need to continue to love and honor how we are all different, how we all make mistakes, how we all have emotions, we all live, but we all view and think just a little different, it’s amazing, though human nature shows that we will never ‘like’ everyone, but as a whole, diversity is what makes us so fascinating.

So i’ve grown, why can’t she see that? the person i want to see that the most, the person i want to tell everything to and have her understand everything the most, can’t even give it a chance, to see where i’ve came from, who i was, and who i am now, what i feel, what i think, and that i’m not going to let her down. I just want her to see that i’ve learned from my mistakes and the mistakes that others have made….how i percieve things now…..but when she shuts everything down right away, it’s impossible, i don’t have any chance to…..it hurts, and i was looking forward to this weekend more than anything, i needed that happiness …..but now i have no motivation, no optimistic idea that this weekend will still be fun, because my mother decided to focus on my past once again. great.

As it came to an end

Long distance…….

I believe it to be hard, knowing now after having a long distance relationship, but i still consider it to have been worth it even though it didn’t last

.

I remember…..

Not wanting to meet Patrick,  knowing beforehand that he was going to be there. I didn’t want to meet another guy that would disappoint me, tell me lies only to find that hopes were up for no clear reason. I didn’t want a guy to find me attractive from far away, i didn’t want to feel special for only one night and then end up crying the next as did Joe, i didn’t want it. So i came to a wedding with the idea that i was going to simply hang out with my family, but something changed as that weekend progressed.

I remember….

Seeing him for the first time looking all lonely unhappy to be there, different from everyone else

My mom saying at dinner “look Brittany, thats your boyfriend for the night, looks like another joe,” and thinking “I wish” as he walked by.

Walking past him as the reception had begun and smiling at him (after I had looked his way all night) and he smiled back, the first time i had seen him smile, and it was such a nice smile.

Finding that my family was no longer dancing so i danced with his family as i glanced over his way and slowly got closer to him (with the help of Jenna and Allison who were dancing and realized that we were both kinda interested in each other).

Talking to him for the first time out on the patio at night at the wedding instead of slow dancing as the night slowly came to an end and i simply hugged him, knowing i’d see him tomorrow.

I remember….

 Seeing him the next day and we both smiled when we saw each other.

Listening to the Dave Matthews Band in my grandma’s computer room while everyone else watched Angie and Nick open presents, in content almost silence as we listened to the music, wanting to kiss him more and more every second we spent listening to the music.

When Patrick had to leave, i didn’t want to say good-bye, i hugged him probably ten times and he said “it was real” i laughed and made fun of his Minnesota slang and hugged him again and then slightly kissed him before he left, not knowing if i would ever see him again.

I remember him texting later on that night and talking to him till one in the morning on that school night.

Hearing from him the next morning and every morning to come, texting him all day, and putting me in a great mood.

Flirting with him referring to him as ‘this guy’ and him referring to me as ‘this girl’

I remember after only a week of knowing him he had changed my world, and from the simple this girl, this guy flirting he asked “do you want to officially be my girlfriend” i said “i would love to”.

I remember looking into his eyes, and they looked so true.

I remember we’d spend ten minutes just kissing goodbye.

How he always made my day by texting me.

How we could talk about anything and when we ran out of things to talk about there would always be smileys.

How easy it was to smile and laugh when i was around him, and how just being with him was enough to make me happy.

How talking on the phone would start with little words and end with lots of giggles.

I remember saying i love you for the first time and him responding with ‘ich liebe dich’ because he knew i spoke german.

I remember him telling me how lucky he was to have me, and how optimistic he was about the relationship as i was.

I remember us talking about being each other’s firsts but waiting till a special moment.

But maybe i was naïve to think it would work out? maybe i was naïve to think that a guy could love me despite not seeing me a lot.  Because it crumbled as he began to get moodier and moodier as december went by. I kept holding on to that moment when I’d finally get to see him again, when everything could be true again, but it didn’t happen. Unfortunately when confronting occurs and silence begins, the truth comes out. The sweet boy i knew was no longer there, the love he had for me had vanished, and though i have no idea why, there was nothing i could do. I never want to be right when i confront something that i have a problem with, but i was right…..and ya, it definitely hurt. Because i was sure about him, but according to him the spark wasn’t there, and he was probably right, it’s not healthy to love someone who doesn’t love you or an unhappy person who makes you unhappy in the process. For three months he made me extremely happy and feel loved more than I’ve ever felt before, but sometimes good things come to an end, and in this case it did. And in the end all the tears and hurt are worth it, we live, we learn, we move on….it’s apart of life, i’d rather that than feel nothing at all.

…….luckily i have lots of school stuff now to keep me busy (joy).

The Challenge of long distance

Who i am is not simple, but i know what i want in life, i know who i am, and no one will change that, I do carry the ability of being happy without romance, because in all reality it’s not always the most important thing, just nice, humans always like the satifaction of having a place where they belong, knowing someone loves them, and people can’t resist that feeling. But I can’t change who i am just because of love, i won’t. 

So, yes, i am a confrontational person, i will tell people exactly what’s on my mind, when i’m happy, when I’m not, what i like about them, what i don’t, usually in attempt in talking through my issues. I do not hope in any means of hurting anyone, but i am one that feels that being truthful is a lot better than bottling stuff up. My goals in relationships is to make both of us happy, not just him, because being taken for granite is not one of my self goals, mutual happiness is my goal, which used to be easy. By being a confrontational person, i do admit makes me a bitch at times.

Relationships are complicated, i’ve heard my friends say that the first month or two is the honey moon stage, every thing seems perfect, like nothing could go wrong, it’s just pure happiness with one another. But relationships progress, you learn more about one another, there becomes less to talk about, and it gets more serious and easier to lose that spark. Especially with long distant relationships, there are rough spots, times of unhappiness, more times of missing each other and frustration and doubts, the clear idea that,  that honey moon stage is completely over. The key to relationships is how strong the connection is to make it through those times.

So though i confront and know what i need to be happy, i may push it a little too much at times, for a moody boy like Patrick i should know to be careful. There’s no doubt that i love him, but relying solely on talking, i have doubts, sometimes i can’t just trust my heart or his. Sometimes i don’t understand why he can’t say what seems like something so obvious for someone to say to the one they love. So i question, i say what i think, and somehow i feel the want to go back on my words just because i don’t want to lose him.

But as i sat and thought in class, giving him time to himself to think,  i thought, i still want happiness, before he came along,i was all about my independence, how i didn’t want or need a guy to break me, yet he was different from all the other guys i had ever met, and i fell for him. But as i thought, if things go bad, or work out, i should always keep in mind that this is my life, and every step of the way, i learn from my experiences, and my goal is to be myself and continue to stay happy, which i can only find from myself. So do i need to cry anymore? do i need to call and text hoping for him to finally respond?…..no,  he’ll be there when he’s ready, i don’t need to be obnoxious.

Psychologists say that separation weakens the romantic attraction, it’s sad but in some senses it’s true, from the rollercoaster of me and Patrick’s relationship in the month and half time period of not seeing each other, makes the relationship hard, even as optimistic as i am. I’ve never wanted to see someone as bad as i want to see him….what makes it harder is that every time i hope to see him, something goes wrong……am i strong enough?

I hope so.

I’ve Grown

Last  month, I went  through several various emotions, wondering if they will ever return to being stable.

I wonder if that is just life though. To live with several emotions each day.

I’ve lived for quite sometime on the theory that your not living in less you experience life, take chances. Live in the Present, don’t let the past knock you down or the future scare you.

So From being extremely happy one minute to crying the next because someone knocked me down is not going to make me change my ways, it’s not going to bring back the past or fear me away in the present because of the future.

I think about what is best for myself. What i believe.

So as crazy as my emotions may be, I refuse to give in, I refuse to settle for less, and im not going to change what i believe in.

I honestly don’t care what people think about my past or my friendships now, I am who i am through that all, my decisions, my experiences…..i would never regret that. I’ve learned from it all and grown into a decent person, which i don’t think would have happened without my past.

When I look back at before me and Amy ever began, I was very insecure about myself, my desires, my body, and overall who i was, which all played a very big role into relationships a nd flirting. With girls I was always comfortable flirting, always jokingly, until it wasn’t. My parents never understood why i’d shy away from boys, and as frustrated as I was by this fact and how concerned my parents were, there was nothing I could do, I didn’t know how, i had no idea how flirt or get a guy. But once I knew that flirting with girls worked, and guys came along, I knew how to flirt, which was my first step to security. I became more mature about the knowledge of what a relationship was, and that sex is not something to joke around about like it was in middle school. I gained the confidence in myself that I could get people from Amy and the people i met along the way, I didn’t think negatively about my body and didn’t think there was something wrong with me that i couldn’t get a boyfriend or any guy to like me. She gave me confidence, she made me understand what i wanted, who i am and gave me morals that i didn’t necessarily have before.  If it wasn’t for Amy, i do think that i would still be an insecure little girl, and most likely i would have never taken a chance and talked to Patrick.

So through all this guilt and emotions that are being put on my back, i still don’t regret a thing, I have my own path in life, i may have gotten where I’ve gotten today a little different from the typical teenage girl, but in the whole perspective, does it really matter? I experienced, and grew from it, and i have a best friend that knows me better than many best friends do.

I plan on sticking to what i believe, that there is nothing wrong with my past relationship with Amy, or any bisexual, lesbian, gay, exc. people. We all have curiosity and mine led to a bright path, no matter what i am told, i have confidence in my future, no one can hold me back. Psychology is one of the most fascinating things i know, and my own mind and my expieriences are what intrigues me to look deeper into the human mind. Every experience gets us somewhere. Emotions only means we are living, no matter how chaotic they get. curiosity is what us as humans do, we explore and discover answers within us, we think and create, desire and feel, we grow. I am human, and i am unique.

Waiting in suspense

hmmmmmmmm………

Surprises, yes, i like them very much, they seem like they would be a nice way to show how much someone cares for you. But do they ever happen to me? nope.

But for once i feel like theres a great chance of a surprise happening, even though i’ve definitely caught on.

I found out earlier this week that my aunt is coming into town this weekend, the family connection to my boyfriend Patrick. There was never any planning or thought of him coming along this weekend from him, which surprised me, but knowing on such short notice, i did not bring it up. But a lot of questions Patrick has been asking add up to surprises and this weekend.

“What are you doing this weekend?” 

  “My goal tomorrow is to cheer you up”

“Do you like surprises or knowing everything?”

“What are you doing today?”

“sounds like you’ll be doing about the same as me after you eat”

“I’ll find something fun to do this weekend”

“I’m just gonna do some relaxing and listen to music after school”

And a nap after school? worn out from the day? doesn’t sound like him, sounds like a car ride.

And i get a fortune cookie that says “There’s a good chance of a romantic encounter soon” if that didn’t add to the suspense, over hearing from downstairs my brother saying ‘wat did u think of Brittany’s fortune, mom?’ and her saying ‘i liked it’ that definitely added to it.

I guess my mom decided it was necessary to clean the whole house, and have her friends over here to hang out instead of going out?

My head is spinning, my stomach is fluttering……the suspense is driving me insane, i’m ecstatic yet afraid of the hints meaning nothing. I just want to jump up and down, go scream for my contrasting energies running through my veins. Fast forwarding to knowing would be nice, but life is all about time….which means i’ll just have to wait, to know if i am clever or an idiot…….

…..ps…..this everyday blog thing already failed, bummer………….

 

My Best Friend

I like people that understand me. People that truly know me, through my good and bad times, people who accept my past and know how to make me happy. PEOPLE WHO SEE ME FOR ME.

I guess for the past month, i’ve been trying to avoid drama, sketchiness and the past.  In my mind, it was time for a break, time to basically go with my parent’s decision of what’s best for me, and not see my best friend at all outside of school. It was fine for that month. I’ve had my happiness, she’s had her’s, with our new relationships in the past month. So we’ve just had school.

I’m still fine with not hanging with other people that my parents don’t like, because frankly, i don’t like them much either. But i’ve been avoiding, the drama, the sketchiness and past within one person that i don’t want to avoid, someone who doesn’t deserve that at all, because really? The drama isn’t there, and the past will always be there, and is forever in the far past….and ALL teenagers are sketchy at times.

Out of everyone i know, the two people that understand me the best are, my best friend and my boyfriend. I could talk about anything and both would listen….both would always understand.

As i sat in world lit next to Amy, we talked and talked about Patrick and Evan and our relationships and just simply joked, leaving us both in laughs as our favorite teacher, mr. Sherry, gave us looks. I then thought to myself, could this comfortable conversation happen with any of my other friends? The answer was right there, No.  And then I missed our friendship that was bound to just school lately, the friendship that had moved far away from the drama and the past, it has evolved.

I need that friend that i’ve known to love, forget about all the drama in the past, it’s gone forever. Someone that i can tell how i love my boyfriend, how i miss him, what im thinking, what she’s thinking, my opinions, her’s…..seeing eachother through our day to day expieriences and knowing the other cares….the best friendship i know.

How could i expect anyone to understand? well….i don’t, i don’t expect you to understand how two girls that were once together are now talking about how they don’t see themselves with any girls again and are simply friends now. It’s just the circumstance that no one can explain, I just feel as though we’ve both grown up a lot since this summer…we’ve both found our happiness and I really think it’s time to return to normality within my friendships.

For Fun??

I’m very opinionated…especially about myself and my life, so when i found out about november being ‘write a blog a day’ i just had to consider it. Fun maybe? Every other day instead? I overall figured, i could handle this interesting challenge. Even though, it’s already november 3rd.

Whoever happens to read my blog, i’ve gone through all sorts of emotions and confussion poured out on here. It’s been a place to figure out somethings through words, a new thing i’ve learned over the year. So for the rest of the month i’m going to show you all of the different sides of me, through my thoughts and expieriences…that lately have put me in great moods…..It’s about time some randomness comes up….LET THE FUN BEGIN!

 

Taking Chances Unlike a Pessimist

Why did god create pessimistic people? people who no matter how good your day is, how happy you are, and how much you want to share it, they tell you why you shouldn’t.

It really shouldn’t matter what they think right? It shouldn’t get you down, get you into the stage of over thinking everything….stressing about reality, facts that lead to what could happen in the future. But should I? Should i seriously be all confused from basic comments from the pessimistic friends of mine?

Last time i checked…..they don’t control me, it all comes down to myself and how i play out fate.

What happened to optimism? it seems like it’s disappearing in everyone. What happened to just living? The idea of taking chances, going with what you feel is right? The past or present shouldn’t stop us….yet i feel like it stops alot of people. It’s very depressing….and i refuse to let any of it get inside my head….i refuse to alter my decisions based off of what others think.

So….maybe love hasn’t worked for me in the past, maybe i came across all the wrong asshole guys…..but it has never stopped me from moving ahead….made me think too hard on my next step.

So…..maybe my friends are pessimistic alot of times and they can’t find that happiness within themselves, making me feel guilty….like i shouldn’t feel like i should. But….that’s their problem….i’m fucking happy….i spent a whole year not being truly happy….it’s time for me to live….its time for me to move forward…and they need to understand it….because it’s only their problem, they won’t bring me down anymore.

So….maybe the fact that long distance relationships at my age don’t usually work, that it will most likely cause me only pain in the long run. The fact is….i’m not going to let the facts of ‘usually’ stop me, because i’m not going to regret not trying….life is about taking chances.

I can’t control how the guy that is proving every day to me since the moment i met him that there are guys that are different that look at life in the optimistic way i do. I can’t control how he’s 6 hours away. Hence the term long distance.

If i was pessimistic….my whole concept on life would be completely different. I believe in the love within ourselves is what gets us far and that alone takes in several different directions. Love is something that we can’t hold back on, starting with ourselves and eventually making its way to another person….being everything to them as they are to you….it’s something thats has bumps and curves along the way….it’s not perfect and is meant to beautiful and patience is needed. You can’t go looking for it…i believe that fate takes it’s course with love.

With life we have to take chances to survive. We wander, find, explore, smile, jump, swirl, dance, fall, cry all to the beat of life…it’s called living. Without it we’d be nothing, we’d feel nothing, never see the world as it truly is. So it’s expected ill fall, we all fall, we all cry….but it’s not going to stop me from moving forward no matter what the future may contain….why be afraid? We have to stand tall and go with everything we are. Life isn’t meant to just stand back and ignore what feels right…life is meant to be embraced.

Ya, sure i’m probably a dumb teenager just falling for a guy….you could think, they may think….but i don’t give a shit what others think anymore…i’m so done with that, after everything i’ve thought and gone through….why wouldn’t i go for happiness? Sure in the past i was ignorant…but through that i’ve learned….i gotta go with how i feel….wherever it may take me….i have to soar until i fall…if i fall, who knows! i won’t know until i try….so I’m going to live in a way that an optimist would.

Trust Within the Future

“HOW did you not find my social security card? do you understand that i need it, that my job orientation is in an hour, that your making me look extremely irresponsible!?!?!”

SLAP! “WEll i have your social security card, but it has the name shoe on it instead of your actual name, because when i was 18 you weren’t born with the same name, dad is trying to figure it out now, but it’s more of a complicated situation then we thought, and we need to go to court, because the court no longer sees you as a minor, and i would’ve told you like an adult at home if you wouldn’t have completely freaked out!”

Well then, doesn’t that make me feel stupid? ALL day i had been frustrated and stressed out about how my mom “hadn’t found my social security card” in my attempt to be responsible with my first job.  AND now, i felt like it was all pointless…..like if i would’ve known, it could have been less of a freak out for me, i would have been less nervous about the whole situation if i wasn’t so ignorant on the situation. So yes, i understand the predicament, but it did upset me that my parents couldn’t just come out and tell me that they needed to change my name on it, that they needed to figure some things out and they weren’t sure how long it would take. Instead of me thinking that it was lost, that my parents were being irresponsible with something that to me seemed important, something that i need to work, any citizen needs to work….the lies just caused problems.

LIES….are never good…. i mean, after i know the truth about my real father, you’d think that my parents would be more open about the truth to me, especially something like this, that is very understandable, atleast in my eyes…yet they couldn’t tell me right away? just because they thought it would be easy to get sorted out, so they weren’t going to tell me, if they didn’t have to? Is that really fair? Do they honestly think I’d be pissed or something if i knew right away and it was easy to sort out? That’s why it didn’t really cross my mind that that could be the issue for the social security card, because i trusted that if it was the case they would’ve told me, because it has crossed my mind, thanks to my friend Amanda who had this whole conclusion why i haven’t gotten my license….she was right. So it caused me to come to the conclusion that my parents were not taking this as a big deal. YES! I am coming to the conclusion that lack of communication between the parents and child causes arguments and frustration on both sides…..its not just the children, no matter how much parents want to deny it it’s the parents too….because honestly, i can handle the truth real well….i have for quite sometime now.

So when my mom says that trust is something that we need to work on, I’m completely on board, I’m completely fine with being trustworthy to my parents, even if it takes time to earn that, I’m not scared. I don’t care if that makes me sound like the good daughter act to all my friends that always say “why do u have to tell them everything?” because honestly, it’s better that way, and I’m not afraid to be myself anymore around my parents, I’m not hiding anything…..so why does it matter? I like having a good relationship with my parents, I just hope that I trust them with telling me the honest truth for now on, because i can’t handle lies, lies that make me frustrated just to find out later that i shouldn’t have been. So, my goal for now on, is to really be close with both my parents full of trust, what I’ve wanted for a long time…..i mean the past is the past, and the future is what matters. PLUS……the love between parents and their children is way more important than waiting around for another guy.

I’ve learned a lot through all of my expieriences, I still have lots to learn, but i have way more knowledge than i even had a few months ago….things are looking brighter, things are making sense and the past is long gone….so why worry? Why cry and feel sorry for yourself? Everything will be ok, everything will work out with several open doors full of opportunities waiting for me!