a sensation that tickles my soul,
creating  warmth within my heart,
surrounding  every thought.

That feeling of home,
the fitting sensation,
of simplicity,
creating that alluring bliss.
That smile, those eyes,
of pure certainty and delight,
my ambiance.

This feeling that is worthy,
for every hope and every fear,
with all the thirst,
and all the mountains to climb,
comes this thrill.

The feeling,
of entirety with life;
finding this grace
within my vulnerability.

This feeling,
entwining,
growing,
a lavished garden.

This Feeling,

called Love.

the rush of excitement,
the want of spontaneous joy.
Connections intertwining,
unwind supposed love,
finding truth,
as anxiety surrounds.
As the previous blue eyes,
stare into my soul,
those lips that once touched my breath,
replay words in my ear.
Unforgettable strain remains,
through the fantasized  lust,
only trapped in the perfection.
Thriving to break free,
from this chained normalcy,
idiotically bored.

Searching for clear satisfaction,
as the flowers fade back.
These found lies and regrets,
trap me in wonderland,
thriving for a solution to this heart.
The reasons are lost,
with everything blurred.
Yearning for that true happiness,
what true love once was .

Cogitating deeply,

upon my Reality,
my truth.
Cogitating the unknown,
that known doubt.
Finding sense and questions,
Thoughts and insecurities,
Chests waiting to be unlocked.

Cogitation on life,
wandering and wondering,
searching and finding,
The fitting and lost,
skeleton keys.
Unlocking reality,
Unlocking doubt,
Following new paths,
finding old.

Cogitation,
running through my bones,
deeply underground,
through my mind,
through my surroundings.
That reality.
That Truth.

]]> http://burtnay67.wordpress.com/2010/06/21/cogitation/feed/ 3 burtnay67 introversion cogitating upon reality http://burtnay67.wordpress.com/2010/06/05/a-step-in-life/ http://burtnay67.wordpress.com/2010/06/05/a-step-in-life/#comments Sat, 05 Jun 2010 22:21:34 +0000 burtnay67 http://burtnay67.wordpress.com/?p=362 ]]> There is no right or wrong way or time to take a step in life….we’re always gambling what the future will bring, even when you think you have it all figured out.  No one has it all figured out. I would know, by my many acts of acting (often contradictory to my previous thoughts) then thinking after wards; that you can’t predict how it will play out. Though this past year I’ve gambled less than other years (since it always caused drama)  still, I have found that you can not live by never taking steps.

People get so used to the normality in their life’s, their family, their friends, their activities, everything,  it’s all something that doesn’t make them uneasy and nervous of the results in the end, because of their so called normality. But something new, something that makes you think and feel different than normality,  something from the result of a step in life, a step in life that had no ‘right’ time, can make you realize the truth.

A brother, an older brother. My normality has always been two younger brothers that I’ve lived with from the time they were born, being the responsible older sister. But i made a step, which showed me more.

It was a step, a step in the act of knowing i could find him, not thinking about if I’m ready or how it will play out, just that i had a brother who searched for me in the past, and i had wanted to know him since the time i found out about him. It’s exciting but all the more nerve racking.  There is no guidebook on how to get to know a long lost sibling. It’s a challenge, nothing is like TV.

I take these steps without the most thought, but at the end of the week i have found new realizations. Denial is a funny thing, something you don’t even realize your in  till after the fact. Back in July there was of course truth, but there was no change, only the knowledge and the normality stayed. But now there is physical proof, people,  that make the knowledge and realization of the truth so much greater. But don’t misunderstand my words,  I still understand and accept the fact like i have, the normality is just slightly changed.

I’m gambling with this step, I have no idea what the future entails for me and an older brother that I’m just knowing now. Will we ever be like normal siblings or was that taken away by not knowing each other till now and  me not wanting to know his dad?  Will it ever be normal? We’re from completely different families with only the connection of the same blood from my “biological sperm donor” (as my mom calls him). It would be so easy for someone that is almost a stranger and has not too much connection to me to  someday just vanish from my life, he’s not obligated to like me and be in my life as my brother like my other brothers are.  And overall, this is a step that i, myself, is making, it’s in my hands in meeting him, there is no one else that can really help me out in this step, compared to other steps that i have made in my life. It’s slightly scary.

Despite the several reasons why I’m gambling, my optimistic thoughts  and excitement likes to think that this slight change in normality will work out for the best, how would i ever even know if i never tried? I’m usually over dramatic about small things in my life, but major things tend to be the opposite for me, but this is a step bigger than most, and it will be interesting to see how it all plays out, because it’s unpredictable, I have only began talking to him,  and whoever said that gambling was a bad thing was mistaken because what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.

Repression: a memory, an idea, an event, a reason, vanished from the conscious, left with the uncontrollable fear and insecurity. Set in chains from a long set motive, unable to find the strength to break free.Waiting for an illuminating moment far off in another world.  Defensively hiding away reality for satisfaction. Fear tugging and pulling like a puppet, creating these alterations, these obstacles. These lies of habit fool, only creating  tears of frustration.  This black hole, soon leaving nothing but harm. Mistaking one step from normalcy, as a long dark tunnel. No reasons left but the uncontrollable stubbornness.

The concept of happiness is one that seems easy, a majority of people seek out the ‘feeling’ of happiness, the feeling that makes us feel ‘alive’ and ‘accepted’ within our society.Though anyone that is able to observe people within the world know that a person who attempts to be happy may succeed, but the idea of being happy for an eternity is a fantasy that will probably never be met. People are moody, switching from state of feeling to the next, but usually learning more about happiness along the way, this is what would be called living life. Though, in today’s society this process makes it hard for anyone to be considered ‘normal’ all the time, we are more complex than a typical person, including myself, even knows. In reality we all could be classified as having some sort of psychological disorder.

Yes, this sounds almost too cynical, especially coming from a pretty optimistic person like myself, but knowing the truth does bring insight to the future. Because we as people, will never understand everything, even ourselves as human beings, but this idea can make us more motivated and focused on what we do know, and to push further. Knowing that we are all a bit crazy maybe can even bring society closer together and attempt to start solving these mysteries together with less judgment of normality.

I know for a fact that i do not understand myself completely, like everyone else, but i still have insight on what i do know. I often times look upon the past, wondering what my mind was thinking, what logic went behind it, why i was attracted to the idea of complicated and how things changed and from that, what i now want within my future. It almost seems as if i enjoyed complicated people,  people that had psychological issues of their own, because i wanted to help, focus on them instead of myself, which brought me happiness of who i was. But in reality this can never get me a pure romantic connection just drama that brings the high of happiness down to a low sadness from empathy.  Though the unconscious idea of distracting me from myself with drama did work, till i realized i didn’t need it,  i can be happy without it….i learned and grew a new perspective on my life. Like any other person, i seek out happiness and though there will always be ups and downs, knowing as much as i can will always be there to help me through them….the mysteries can wait to be understood for now.

I’m afraid, of those words, that phrase, that meaning, and i don’t even know what it means. How do we know what it even is? I feel like i’ve mistaken it, perceived things like friendships and lust for it. It’s complex.

That phrase, the miss-perception of it, it gets me in trouble, makes me question things after the fact, after the fact of doing things out of the act of “Love”. But in reality, what is it? Love??? I’m honestly a person that probably uses that word too much, used it without thinking of the meaning in the past, yes, i love my friends, but i’ve’ never been ”in Love”.

It’s a feeling right? one beyond just lust. a feeling of connection, trust, attraction, comfort, happiness maybe? But when does that feeling hit? When are people truly ”in love” because we all know that a day, a week and even a month is judged as not possibly being ”in love”.

It’s one of those things that we all want, but it’s something we can’t snap and get. So when sitting on the couch after kissing my boyfriend the phrase came out, sweeter than any person had ever said it to me. but my brain stopped, not knowing what to say, and all i could think to do is kiss him again. It was the point that i realized how fragile those few words are to me. How much i wanted those words but couldn’t anymore  say something i didn’t feel quite yet, like an ignorant teenager would.

Though i felt horrible, i couldn’t,  I’m afraid to take a chance. Though he feels right, and better than anything before, i still feel like, love, putting my whole heart in it hasn’t happened. Though i have absolutely no idea what ”love” is, slowness and not ruining things…..going with what i actually truly feel is  most likely better. Because having an ”in love” heart creates vulnerability that could create hurt.

But when i figure out what ”in love” feels like….it won’t be a mistake this time.

Art is a way to express who a person is. It’s a way to show people a different perspective on the world from the artist’s view. An artist can learn and find themselves, who they really are with the powerful expression of their emotions and ideas through art. It’s the underlying meaning of a piece of art that I’ve always found to be the most prevailing. This is what I feel creates my passion for art, the desire to continue producing art. The techniques only get us as far as aesthetics, which is a simpler concept.

Throughout my life I have grown with knowledge by exploring and enjoying art. From the technical learning approach to the expressionistic approach of art, it has always assured me an overall serenity. Art has consisted of a way to reflect on my life, the emotions in it, a way to get me from a point of confusion to a point of clarity, or a feeling of sadness to a feeling of happiness. This expression of mine began mainly outside of the classroom, up to my senior year in high school. Experiencing IB studio art my senior year, thinking as an advance level art student, expanded my expression within my art with technical skills. The aesthetics brought by technique began to empower the meaning within my art pieces, giving me confidence and the ability to want to expand my knowledge to express as an art student.

Experiencing the expression that I’ve found through art, it’s clear that art and psychology make a strong connection with the expression and meaning that goes into art, it’s the life of it. It’s fascinating how art can heal someone, how powerful expression can truly be for the artist and the viewer. Personal connection to each art piece of mine, is an important concept for myself, I create this with the idea of symbolism. Creating art pieces that symbolize life, emotions and the idea of healing are common connections within my art.

The idea of powerful expression continues to be my main purpose and passion for art. Art changes a person’s perspective on their world. It’s more unique and complex than any other activity in our society, and I feel it should be embraced and used to help others express and find themselves. I plan on continuing my beliefs by connecting art and psychology with the profession of art therapy. I’d like to continue learning about art and expand my knowledge of expression to strongly connect the viewer with meaning, as I believe art should.

Having the knowledge of how relationships can be, affects my perception towards the future, of what i want, like and need in one….and the possibilities of the failure of a relationship.

I’ve always rushed into things, taken chances, and thought afterwards. But for once, i’m thinking, for once i’m not caught up in the moment. It’s a change. It’s not the usual me….and i don’t know how to perceive it.

A big part of it is the difference….the normality of it all, I’ve always subconsciously gone for complicated, almost as if i wanted a challenge.So it seems, normality would be a nice option, right? yes, but i never pictured it for myself, the holding hands and kissing in the high school hallways, sweet? awkward? definitely different….

There’s a slowed down pace, the dating before a relationship. I like it? yes…the ability of a man to make the moves, not becoming vulnerable and dependable, not sappy but innocent. It’s safe, I can’t honestly say that i have the capability of putting my whole vulnerable dependable self into a relationship fast like others, because there’s risk….trusting that someone will never take you for granite is a huge thing that i didn’t understand ever before in my life until recently. I don’t want to just act on my feelings so quickly, sure chances are nice, but having it in an efficient, slow way….is much better.

I feel secure and independent, i don’t want a guy to tie me down, i want to feel appreciated and encouraged, there for me, but not obnoxiously, which i feel a slow pace, a normal pace that teenagers should take to be more efficient for myself and getting to where i want to be in my life. Though we all make mistakes, i don’t want to make a mistake that ill regret, that’ll change me drastically, as i’ve noticed sex usually does for teenagers. It makes them vulnerable, emotional, full of desires and confusion from the new experience of theirs, the risk they took out of so-called passion, changing any person’s perception on their world around them and it almost seems like to some first time teenagers that it is too much for them to handle, it can be regrettable.  I want to be ready, and not be like all the others…..it’s something that the more i experience this life of mine, the more i value this idea. But can i handle the innocent sweetness?

I linger on these thoughts….yet in reality this difference and change for me is probably just what i need, just enough to make me perfectly happy, despite my realistic attitude lately.

Can parents say certain things just to get in their child’s head to do good, scare them. Taking away an event because of a supposedly ’cause’ for a past behavior…just to give it back after a long lecture and fight, after everything has cooled down and words have been processed? Though i don’t believe that i would’ve done anything wrong either way, i notice my parents use this technique a lot with me, at least my mother does, whether this is subconsciously or consciously planned, maybe the trust is there, but by making it seem like it isn’t, holds the want for that trust more, holds that want to behave more, though i don’t necessarily believe in my mom’s criticism and judgement on my past….i do respect her as a parent and as a person, because she has raised three respectable people ( i think) she has a close relationship with all three, and she continues to strive for that, but still disciplines, knows when to give in and when not, and usually i know when not to test her, when to just step back and when talking is possible. I’m just always curious on how many situations she thinks out first, plans it when it comes to parenting, or if it’s always spontaneous, not knowing if she’ll change her mind, maybe it’s in the power of the child of how she parents, how she changes her mind and views each of us, or maybe she knows us so well to know how to get into our heads….maybe both im thinking….it’s just interesting. I think being a parent is one of the toughest job most honorable job a person can possibly have, there’s no one right or wrong way to do it either, just difference of opinion, it’s a natural job, one that is seen across the world….to create and care so much about someone, teaching them and guiding them as you see them grow through life….it’s fascinating. And honestly, it’s one of those things that i’ve never thought about much, it’s one of those things that as a teenager you don’t think about, but no matter when me and my mother aren’t pleased with each other, i respect her so much, and i value the relationship i have with her the most, because it’s one that should last from the time i’ve entered this world till it becomes time when one of us unfortunately passes. It’s the relationship that completes me, because we will always be there for each other, i know my mom would never not be there for me.

Today was a great day. I, myself am a cheerleader and it was regionals, getting up at 5, going all morning, warming up, bonding with the team, and then performing the routine, waiting till results. It’s what we call regionals. We kept getting all prepared, think state girls, play offense today, we’re gonna rock it, we can stick it, take it to the limit, show them that we got this! AND GUESS WHAT?!?!?! we went out there and we did exactly that! As the music started we danced our asses off with our tight motions and energetic faces, stuck all the stunts, jumped high, and honestly i didn’t breathe, but totally had fun and rocked it…we played offense. But, there are really good teams, did we still have a chance for state, it’s oconomowoc, as much as i wanted to say yes, i thought no….but we had to wait. As we sat waiting and waiting for our small varsity division to list off the top three teams that were going to state we heard Waukesha south (who apparently did good)…our hearts dropped, no chance now right? “and 2nd place going to state….” we held hands in a circle with the mixed emotions, adrenaline pumping through us “Ocononomowoc!” OH MY GOD…..STATE!!!! What i wasn’t expecting happened…and my mom and grandma were there to see it all….we screamed so loud, i went from tiredness to completely awake, half of my squad was crying we were so excited…..it was the best feeling in the world, we made it this far, we worked this hard, and it was pulling off! we were going to state, our school that doesn’t take cheerleading seriously, their cheerleaders were going to state! We’re proving that poms isn’t where it’s always at, that cheerleaders are just as good, maybe even better, that we are in a sport.

My day  continued to get better with actually getting to hang out with my friends, despite my mom saying no yesterday, playing games and talking as we do, way better than going to the school dance.

I needed this day, i needed some excitement, some pure happiness, an achievement, a feeling so great, and i got that today, i honestly don’t think anyone could bring me down today. Life is good, and i continue for it to be so, i’m motivated happy and ready for the future, optimism is always a good thing, and feels great!